Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
All-Stars: Week 1
Well, well, well... here we go again! It has been a couple years, but we have recovered the old water cooler from our storage unit, cleaned out the layers of scum that have developed in there, and we're ready to produce yet another series of uninformed, childish ramblings!
For those of you who are new to our show recaps, we should warn you that these columns are not for everyone. Sane people, for example.
No, we don't get too caught up in details or "facts," considering at least half of the stuff we type is purely fictional. And we're not exactly politically-correct around here, either. If you read through an entire column of ours and aren't offended, chances are you didn't read it carefully enough.
In fact, if you are offended by any of the following words, we suggest you cover your eyes and run, shrieking for the nearest exit. Each of these words or phrases has appeared at least once in former columns of ours:
Bosoms, giant horse eyeballs, phallic symbol, flaming, Satan, fake elephant, donkey crap, Botswanians, "nipple fondling frenzy," glowing mutant, pitchfork, bushman, Dan Rather, and of course the "lucky, anal-dwelling horseshoe."
So anyway, don't say you weren't warned.
Uchenna really wishes he had gone to the bathroom before the beginning of the trip.
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Without further hesitation, let's begin our discussion of the debut of The Amazing Race: All-Stars edition. The contestants gathered in sunny Miami, where they were whisked to the starting point by boat, taking special care to swerve around the numerous, giant boats being operated by local drug dealers.
The teams were instructed to sprint off to grab their luggage and their first clue, and then head to the airport to catch a flight to Quito, Ecuador (also commonly known as "Peru").
In one of our earlier recaps, while Rob and Amber were previously on The Amazing Race, we had commented that some people naturally look good as bald people. You may remember that Uchenna and Joyce had to shave their heads as part of a challenge during that season, and they both look perfectly attractive that way.
In that discussion, we noted that not everyone looks good without hair, and that many of us would look like giant thumbs if we were bald. And we can offer this photo as "Exhibit A," proving that theory:
Kevin and Drew seem like decent enough guys, although they're not always the most pragmatic. For example, Drew chose to carry the World's Largest Backpack on their journey, and that slowed him down right off the bat.
Britney Spears recently expressed her support for Kevin & Drew.
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His backpack had enough room to carry his clothes, detailed maps of every location of the world, a significant stash of food, a fully functioning bathroom, a personal helicopter, Charla, etc.
David and Mary were also slowed by their choice of luggage, which included a banjo and an assortment of live, carry-on chickens.
Everyone drove like maniacs to get to the airport as quickly as possible. Of course, considering this is Miami, driving like a maniac is a required method of driving under any circumstance.
Rob and Amber shared a shuttle bus with Danny and Oswald, who jokingly suggested that Rob and Amber "have their own cable channel now," after all of their recent television appearances and shows.
The RomberStar1 satellite in orbit.
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We found this comment to be a little insulting. No, Rob and Amber don't merely have their own cable channel; they now have their own satellite. The RomberStar1, orbiting the Earth in a geosynchonous orbit directly over Brighton Township, PA, is the only communications satellite that comes equipped with a laser-guided missile system.
With its onboard weaponry, the satellite is capable of performing complex tasks like destroying other satellites that feature competing programming, or carrying out mundane tasks like blowing up tires on vehicles from 11,000 miles in the sky. We're hoping it also has the ability to keep jets from returning to terminals to pick up late passengers, but that's another story.
Drew writhes around in a pitiful manner.
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Upon arriving in Ecuador, teams immediately began utilizing their Amazing Race language training they had received prior to beginning the race. Not many people know this, but all participants of the race must go through an extensive training session before departing, taught by the world's leading linguists to help contestants communicate effectively in any part of the world.
This 16-hour course consists entirely of teaching teams how to shriek "RAPIDO!" at their drivers (translation: "Get your butt moving, taxi boy!"). So we were able to see each team putting this technique to work, effectively yelling "RAPIDO!" until they all lost their voices.
Rob and Amber tend to their roadkill horse.
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While rapidly jumping out of his car to grab a clue, Drew managed to fall to the ground and mess up his shoulder and various other valuable body parts. Drew followed the normal medical procedure of writhing around pitifully in the middle of a street in hopes of being put out of his misery by a bus or other large vehicle.
Teams were later instructed to choose between giving a horse a pedicure, or finding elements of a dorky outfit in a giant field. Rob and Amber, who apparently share our fears of giant horse eyeballs, initially chose to attempt to find the pieces of the dorky outfit, but eventually gave up and faced the Horse of Doom.
Gnome massaging, a popular activity in Canada.
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In the end, Rob and Amber managed to finish the first leg of the race in first place, earning them a trip to a resort in Canada, where, according to the description offered by Phil, they would have the opportunity to massage a gnome, or some such thing. Maybe we just weren't paying close enough attention at that point of the show.
We thought for sure that Charla was going to come up short (rim shot), but it was John Vito and Jill who came in last place in this episode, thereby eliminating them from the competition. John Vito and Jill had dated at one time, but were racing this time as "friends" rather than as a "couple."
They explained that the race had brought them closer together, and that perhaps they would move their relationship back up a notch... presumably from "friends," to "friends with benefits." Only time will tell.
Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race: All-Stars
The Amazing Race: Season 7
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
