Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Episode 5
Yeesh -- a two-hour show! Let's get right to it...
At the onset of the show, the teams were instructed to head to Johannesburg, South Africa, which, according to Lynn and Alex, is infested with nothing but chickens and camels, and there are rappers at every street corner.
Once everyone got off the plane, the teams had to locate their vehicles so they could head off to either a Detour or a Fast Forward challenge.
Lynn and Alex had to throw 50 Cent and Eminem out of their vehicle after kicking several chickens out of their way as they passed through the baggage claim area, and they had to swerve through the sea of camels that clogged the parking garage.
Lynn and Alex encounter their first rapper.
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The Fast Forward offered teams a chance to complete a challenge that would allow them to advance directly to the Pit Stop. This particular challenge involved walking across the top of a nuclear cooling tower without turning into a glowing mutant.
The Detour offered teams two choices. They could crawl through some caves to obtain their next clue, or they could distribute some artifacts to a group of tribal rappers.
Rob and Amber initially decided to head for the nuclear reactor, but Ray and Deana were already on the scene, glowing like neon signs, so Rob and Amber headed off to meet the tribe dudes.
Deana feels the ill effects of the Fast Forward challenge at the nuclear plant.
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Meanwhile, a few groups opted for the cave challenge. We're going to go out on a limb and guess that Gretchen, of the Geezer Team, will probably not take up spelunking as a hobby after this experience.
First off, she and Meredith wandered through the caves and eventually emerged without retrieving the clue. Upon poking their heads out of the hole, they did, however, see their shadows, forecasting six more weeks of winter.
Then, instead of gently rappelling back into the hole, Gretchen decided that it would save them time if she simply dove back in, head-first.
Gretchen forecasts six more weeks of winter.
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We have to admit, even though this is a terrible thing and we pray that she recovered from all of this, we may have spat just a bit of Pepsi through our noses due to laughing when we heard Gretchen's trademark "OOOOOOOH!" echoing through the labyrinth of caves.
The next stop was a Road Block, where one member of each team had to shop for a variety of items -- including a backpack, toys, diapers, shirts and blankets -- which they would later deliver to an orphanage.
Gretchen arrived at the shopping area looking as though she had escaped midway through a lobotomy. Not surprisingly, when she told people she needed to find diapers, she was consistently pointed to the Depends® aisle.
Amber and Rob pose with their kidnap victim.
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While Amber was shopping, she and Rob kidnapped an unsuspecting woman who helped her gather the required items and then accompanied them to the Pit Stop.
Gretchen and Meredith were the last to arrive at the Pit Stop, but luck was on their side since this turned out to be a non-elimination round. Phil explained to the Geezers that they were going to be allowed to continue with the race, but they would have to do so without any of their worldly possessions.
Phil took the Geezers' money, their possessions, spare teeth, etc. We were extremely thankful that he did allow them to retain the clothes they were wearing. The mental image of Gretchen wandering the streets in her undergarments is not a pretty one.
Ron really enjoyed getting help with his outfit from the Spelunking Babe.
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The second hour of the show began with instructions to head to a lion feeding excursion. The tour guide gave the competitors helpful tips while feeding the lions, like "If a lion jumps into the car, just let him eat you," etc.
From there, the teams had to fly to Botswana, where they had to "find the giant aardvark," presumably near another nuclear reactor where this kind of mutation is normal.
The giant aardvark instructed the teams to head to a town infested with a bunch of naked guys with spears, and that one person from each team would have to demonstrate his or her hunting capabilities to a bushman by tossing a spear at a swinging blob.
Botswana, also known as the "Land of the Giant Aardvarks."
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The bushmen then provided the teams with their next clue: proceed 35 miles to a cattle post while driving upside-down. At least that's the way Brian and Greg attempted to do it, as they flipped their vehicle over on the sandy highway.
Lynn and Alex stopped by so they could helpfully frown at the situation, while Rob and Amber whizzed by. Lynn and Alex acted very modest about the whole thing, only casually mentioning their heroics fifty or sixty times in the next few hours.
Of course some of you are pointing fingers at Rob and Amber saying, "HOW DARE THEY NOT STOP!?!" despite the fact there was little they could do to help the situation. Their critics will likely fail to imagine what the scenario would have been like had it been Rob and Amber's vehicle that had overturned.
Brian and Greg confuse "driving on the left side of the road" with "driving upside-down."
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Alex and Lynn not only would have minced right past them on the road, but they likely would have spat out the window; Patrick and Susan would have made a special re-emergence onto the show just for the purpose of pointing and laughing as they flew past. Lex from Survivor would have been flown in for the occasion.
Anyhow... once the teams arrived at their next destination, they had to either crush corn into a fine powder to the satisfaction of a tribe lady, or they had to transfer water from a spring into ostrich eggs using a reed straw.
The Makgadikgadi Pans, the world's largest bedroom.
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At one point during the corn crushing, we swear we heard Alex say, "Lynn, take your stick all the way out!" Yet another phrase we'll just put out of our minds.
From here, the teams were told to drive -- carefully -- seven miles to the next Pit Stop, the Makgadikgadi Pans, which is the world's largest bedroom. Rob and Amber managed to get to the Pit Stop in second place; Ray and Deana came in last, sending them to the dreaded Suck it Up Hall of Fame.
Previous Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
