Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Episode 4
Clearly, Rob and Amber were destined to play this game. Lady luck has certainly been on their side as they have repeatedly gone from severe adversity, right back into first place.
Rob put it as eloquently as Shakespeare himself may have penned it: he was born with a horseshoe, "right up his ass."
Many children may have found it inconvenient or at least uncomfortable to have a horseshoe in that particular orifice, and we all know just how hard it would be to explain that while going through metal detectors at airports, but this unusual malady has consistently given Rob undeniable luck.
As you may have gathered, Rob and Amber managed to finish this leg of The Amazing Race in first place, prompting us to take celebratory swigs from the Water Cooler again tonight.
Noooooooooo! Our worst fears are realized.
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To open the episode, the teams had to drive 25 miles to Cabaña la Guatana, a ranch that is home to one of the world's most dreaded creatures: horses.
We here at the Water Cooler are not big fans of horses. Not in the least. We've always been a bit freaked out by their giant eyeballs. We simply can't trust anything with eyeballs that big.
At the ranch, teams had to choose one person to ride a horse through a course within 40 seconds, which is the amount of time it takes the average person to be driven insane by the giant eyeballs. The other team member was instructed to stand nearby and loudly bitch at their teammate for performing the task too slowly.
Joyce falls victim to the Eyeball of Doom.
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Deana had a rough time getting her horse to cooperate with her. She tried kicking it, swearing at it, begging it, threatening to poke out one of its giant eyeballs, and casually mentioning the phrase "glue factory," but it refused to obey her.
She finally realized that this was a male horse she was dealing with, so she resorted to the oldest trick in the book. She whipped off her shirt, revealing a curvaceous sports bra and her well-toned midriff, prompting the horse to tear up the track while other horses looked on in awe. We were also looking on in awe, but for the benefit of readers who happen to be our wife, we kept the ogling to a minimum.
Deana uses womanly powers to her advantage.
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Rob slipped his horse a few extra dollars, and managed to whip through the course in a flash, giving him and Amber just enough time to zip to the airport to catch a flight to Buenos Aires.
Several of the teams were able to make it to the airport in plenty of time to catch an early flight. While some regular people on the plane were seated in coach, and others were in first-class, the teams competing in The Amazing Race were in the "We Got Here Before Rob and Amber" cheering section.
The four teams who made it to the flight early were a little shocked and depressed to see Rob & Amber climb aboard the plane, prompting a flurry of mass whining.
Teams had to find this flasher in order to get their next hint.
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Once in Buenos Aires, the teams had to locate a creepy guy in an overcoat in order to obtain their next clue. The clue instructed the teams to head to a boat dock, where they could either choose a "Shipwreck or Island" task.
In the Island challenge, teams were challenged to find a random patch of land where their next clue was hidden on a beach.
In the Shipwreck challenge, teams had to find a specific wrecked boat, based only on an old photograph. This turned out to be rather difficult since Buenos Aires lives up to its motto: "The Land of Crappy Boats."
Rob trades his Boston Red Sox cap for a Boston Red Sox toque.
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Several of the teams learned that not only were they seeking crappy boats, but they were riding crappy boats as the crafts conked out on them during their mission.
Some teams had to launch flares in order to attract rescue boats. Lynn and Alex, who were already flaming, were easily spotted and rescued from their flimsy raft.
The final clue prompted the teams to grab a taxi and head 35 miles to another horse-infested destination, La Martina Polo Club. As we mentioned earlier, Rob and Amber and Rob's Lucky Anal-Dwelling Horseshoe crossed the finish line first, earning them a vacation to London.
Uchenna wonders who on his boat had been eating an excessive amount of baked beans prior to the ride.
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Several teams crossed the finish line, while Patrick and Susan, The Geezer Team and Ray and Deana fought to avoid placing last. Gretchen, of the Geezer Team, referred to these last three teams as a menage a trois, conjuring up a tremendously disturbing mental image.
Sadly enough (insert the sound of uncontrollable weeping on our part), Patrick and Susan were the last to cross the finish line, knocking them out of the race.
We can just imagine their plane ride back to the U.S. It would be just our kind of luck to get stuck in the seats next to them, listening to them snip and snap at each other for hour after hour, with Patrick punctuating each of his whiny comments with "Oh, Maaaah-ther!"
Next week's preview: Gretchen's head explodes.
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If there was a news story from that time frame that reported on a bunch of people throwing themselves out of a plane without a parachute, we can bet that this was the flight.
Well, next week's episode (a two-hour one at that) sounds interesting! The preview features a flattering image of Gretchen with blood dribbling merrily down her face.
Perhaps she encountered one of nature's most horrifying entities: The Giant Eyeball of Doom?
Previous Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
