Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Episode 2
We decided to pack up the Water Coolermobile and take a road trip to view tonight's episode of The Amazing Race. In honor of the fact that the Buckeye State is home to two of the teams competing in the race, we headed to Ohio, a large, flat, cow-intensive region near our home state of Pennsylvania.
We had the opportunity to view the episode with some people who are quite enthusiastic about the show. In fact, to say that these people were "big fans" of the show is a lot like saying that the Atlantic Ocean is "moist."
These folks are rabid fans of The Amazing Race, and some of them showed up sporting the newest line of Ray Housteau "Suck It Up®" gear, which will undoubtedly be hitting the shelves at your finest clothing stores any day now.
The Official Ray Housteau line of "Suck It Up®" gear.
|
In honor of our big trip to Ohio, we did some blatant cheering for Ray & Deena, who live near Youngstown, and we'll make every attempt to refer to cross-state rival Patrick as something other than "that little dweeb," at least for this week's commentary.
To open tonight's show the teams were instructed to travel by bus to Arequipa, Peru, which, according to the Internet, features both a climate and its very own history.
Each team departed for the bus station in the order they arrived at the first Pit Stop, meaning that Debbie and Bianca left first, followed by Susan and her dweeby son (oops! We already forgot about our earlier promise...), followed by Rob and Amber and the rest of the pack.
Rob winks at a vending machine after offering it a hefty bribe.
|
Upon arriving at the bus station, Rob began bribing everyone and everything in sight, including several palm trees, in hopes of getting the fastest route to the next city. Rob, who was obviously named "Rob" for a reason, managed to rob several teams of a few bucks so he could bribe the bus driver to only open the front doors upon arriving, leaving several teams trapped at the back of the vehicle. Say what you will about Rob, but ya gotta admit, the boy is always thinking!
In Arequipa, the teams faced a "Road Block," a task that only one member of the team was allowed to perform. The groups were instructed to assign one member of their team to take up a job as shoe shiner in order to earn a set amount of money.
We suspect that some of the contestants were paid to stop shining shoes, because they all seemed to do a genuinely crappy job of it. A couple of the contestants took a polite approach to this task, gently begging people to buff their shoes; others basically gang-buffed innocent bystanders before demanding payment.
Lynn offers to lick his patrons' shoes in addition to buffing them.
|
After the buff-a-thon, everyone got their next clue, which instructed them to head to the airport to fly to Santiago, Chile. The Geezer couple, Meredith and Gretchen, initially thought they were supposed to fly to "San Diego, where it is chilly," but they were eventually pointed in the right general direction.
It was at this point of the show that we are quite certain we heard Lynn and Alex ("boyfriends") utter the following phrase as they noticed that they were lagging behind the other teams: "We're good at pulling up the rear!" We're going to spend the rest of the day trying not to visualize that particular statement.
Rob and Amber put the "fun" in "funicular."
|
Once in Santiago, everyone had to take a funicular to reach a statue of the Virgin Mary, where their next clue awaited them. Of course, Rob immediately attempted to bribe the statue upon arrival.
The teams were presented with a Detour at the statue, and were given the opportunity to "Shop or Schlep." They could either shop for a series of ingredients for a cranky chef, or they could haul 180 books from a bookstore eight blocks to the Library of Congress.
Since Rob & Amber had already depleted their funds thanks to their bribe-a-minute approach to the game, they chose the bookstore option. Rob and Amber carefully chose exceptionally short books for this task, such as George Bush's Book of Great Accomplishments: 2000-2004, as opposed to unabridged dictionaries, so they could easily haul them down the street.
Susan celebrates after thwapping Patrick in the head with a frozen fish from the market.
|
Rob & Amber quickly finished the task, and made it to the Pit Stop at the Cerro Santa Lucia, several weeks ahead of the competition. By coming in first place, Rob & Amber were rewarded with a trip to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas, at least after Rob bribed host Phil Keoghan for the prize.
Susan and Patrick had managed to spend virtually all of their money before reaching the funicular, which forced them to beg bystanders for money. Several people ponied up some dough for them after Patrick promised to go a whole 15 minutes without obsessing about Rob & Amber.
Deana attempts to give Ray a subtle, subliminal hint.
|
Brothers Brian and Greg were extremely annoyed when they found themselves stuck in a cab with a driver who spoke no English. Imagine the nerve of someone not knowing English, despite living in a Spanish-speaking country!
Meanwhile, Ray repeatedly ran Deana over with his cart of books, but Deana managed to Suck It Up® to complete the leg of the race in third place.
Much to the dismay of every heterosexual male viewer of the show, the Hot Babe couple, Megan and Heidi, were the last to arrive and were eliminated from the competition. We'll be spending the day writing to our Congresspersons about this injustice.
Previous Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
