Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Episode 1
Well, here we go again! Just as we were positive that we had put the official Water Cooler away for good -- just as it was beginning to develop an ugly layer of pond scum while it sat in storage -- we're back for yet another round of our unique and childish commentaries, this time as Amber & Rob tackle The Amazing Race.
Allow us to re-introduce ourselves. We have been rooting for Amber through her various adventures since her first appearance on Survivor: Australia in 2001. Throughout the past few years, we've become good friends with Amber and her family, and now we won't leave them alone. Just ask them if you don't believe us. When we hang out with them, we are always the absolute last to leave, until every single Dorito has been depleted. We're often shown to the door at gunpoint.
When we began this site several years ago, we started writing quirky commentaries about the newest episode of Survivor, mainly because we have a lot of time on our hands. Strangely enough, some people began reading them regularly, a phenomena that continues to baffle and amaze us.
Of course these two were chosen for The Amazing Race because of their brains. All four of them...
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When Amber was selected as a contestant for Survivor: All-Stars, we revived the Water Cooler area for a season that proved to be an incredible hit, culminating with Amber claiming the $1 million prize and gaining a new fiancé on the same night.
While examining our site statistics, we found that this site has received nearly 20 million hits in the past year. Granted, many of those hits came as the result of Google searches from people looking for "Amber Brkich naked," as opposed to "Witty commentaries by geeks," but still.
We considered shelving the Water Cooler for Amber & Rob's participation on The Amazing Race, but there was just too much material just waiting to be written... so here we go!
Debbie and Bianca, who are allegedly "friends."
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As you probably know, The Amazing Race sends teams of people on a whirlwind adventure around the globe with a $1 million prize for the last team standing. The producers of the show have assembled the requisit teams, comprised of people from every walk of life.
This season features people from the following popular stereotypes: the Couples Evaluating Their Relationships; the Brothers; the Amazingly Hot Babes Who Are Allegedly Just Good Friends; the Enormous Men With Funny Accents; the Exceptionally Openly Gay Couple; the Geezers; and The Incredibly Annoying Mother And Son Team Who Constantly Obsess About Whether Rob And Amber Might Be Beating Them Every Second Of The Day.
The series began in Los Angeles, which got a big boost in the economy in the form of helicopter rentals. Each team was whisked to the scene on its own helicopter, where they were all introduced to the host, Jeff Probst. (Please note that we're primarily Survivor fans, and we haven't bothered to learn who the hell the real host of The Amazing Race might be.)
Rob attempts to solve the ancient Mystery of the Locked Trunk of Doom.
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Once all of the teams were gathered, the host provided a few ground rules, and sent them on their first task, which was to find the airport and take one of two flights to Lima, Peru. The real first task was learning how to open the trunk of a rental car, in the case of Rob and Amber.
Each team was equipped with $132, and really scary driving skills. We suspect that the videographers assigned to ride in the cars with the contestants later asked CBS to be reassigned to a safer job within the network, like covering Baghdad for example.
Young contestant Patrick, competing in tandem with his mother, expressed his concern for where Amber and Rob might be, compared to their position, while riding to the airport.
Amber and Rob had enough time to take in a football game on the way to the airport.
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The Geezer couple, Meredith and Gretchen, were particularly amusing to watch while they were driving, not so much for their driving skills, but for Gretchen's ability to refrain from swearing no matter what. Meredith kept uttering "dawggone it!" while wandering aimlessly through Los Angeles. We're certain that if they hadn't been accompanied by a camera crew, the F-bombs would have been flying as they swung by Disneyland for the fifth straight time.
Amber and Rob took a decidedly more relaxed approach to the trip, and perhaps the game as a whole, stopping for several meals and a haircut en route to the airport.
Once the teams arrived in Peru, the contestants had to navigate to Plaza de Armas utilizing whatever grasp they may have had of the Spanish language. A couple of the teams had pretty good skills with the language, while others were struggling with the narrow knowledge they learned in high school, using such key phrases as Muéstreme los pescados de su hermano Raoul ("Show me the fish of your brother Raoul").
A member of the Geezer Team falls and saves himself by grabbing the private parts of an innocent bystander.
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Patrick was able to use his Spanish to utter, "¿Dondé esta señor Rob y Amber?" Others struggled to come up with the Spanish word for "taco."
From the Plaza, the teams were instructed to take a bus to the city of Ancon, where they were treated to a brief ride on bikes pedaled by somber-looking, sweaty men.
The groups arrived at a beach which featured several mounds of sand. Concealed in the sand were plane tickets for flights of various times. Patrick wondered if maybe he would have the opportunity to beat Amber and Rob on this particular leg of the trip.
Rob loses track of where he is, and accidentally participates in a solo version of Tribal Council.
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Everyone spent the night on the beach before flying off to Cusco, Peru, in the morning. In Cusco, the teams had the opportunity to slide down a fancy zip line, and then decide how to proceed through their "Detour."
A detour in The Amazing Race is an opportunity for teams to choose a couple options to get to their next clue. In this case, the teams were given the choice of carrying a giant salad on their backs for 2/3 of a mile, or face the Llama of Doom.
Amber and Rob chose to carry the giant salad to the nearest town, while several other teams went with the llama approach. Amber and Rob chose wisely, becoming the first team to get their next clue.
Amber & Rob transport a giant salad to town while wearing the Peruvian version of Boston Red Sox hats.
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We must admit that we took great pleasure in watching the llamas spit all over Patrick and his mommy, right before Patrick asked the llama whether it knew how far ahead Amber and Rob might be.
The next clue instructed the teams to head to the town of Pisac via delivery truck. Some of the trucks were also transporting some livestock, and there were some sheep that looked rather concerned when they met Lynn and Alex, described as "boyfriends" by the show.
The final clue of the night pointed everyone to an old church, which Amber and Rob navigated to by literally pushing traffic out of their way, while Patrick frantically worried that Amber and Rob were in their vicinity.
Several sheep express concern after meeting Lynn and Alex (note the subtitle).
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Amber and Rob made it to the pit stop third of the 11 teams, which was cool, except that they fell behind Team Weenie and his Equally Annoying Mommy, not that we've developed an extreme distaste for them already, of course. Enormous Friends with Funny Accents Ryan and Chuck were sent home after placing last.
Join us next week, as Patrick surprises everyone by wondering where Amber and Rob are!
Previous Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
