Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Episode 11: The Finalé
Well, second place out of 11 teams ain't too shabby! Granted, it's about $1 million more shabby than first place... but what're ya gonna do?
We had the pleasure of watching tonight's finalé with Amber's parents, some friends, and a camera crew from our local CBS affiliate, KDKA, Pittsburgh.
We can remember back in the Survivor: Australia days when the TV crew would show up at Amber's house, and everyone would be really excited that they were going to get to be on The News!
Now, it's such commonplace for them to have camera crews following them around that Amber's folks now know all of the TV camera people by name; since Amber has left the house, her old bedroom has been turned into a media lounge and vending area with full satellite uplink capabilities.
Bryce, a KDKA-TV cameraman, is completely invisible to partygoers.
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Recently, someone moved an old couch out of her room and you won't believe what they found under the cushions: Dan Rather.
Anyway, on to tonight's show...
The first several hours of the finalé featured an extremely thorough recap of the entire race, dating back to the time the Earth cooled.
Once we caught up to the present portion of the race, the teams were told to fly 4,600 miles from London to Kingston, Jamaica, and then drive 90 miles to Port Antonio where they would find their next clue.
While they were traveling, Ron and Kelly had the opportunity to evaluate whether they should break off their relationship, or simply kill one another on the spot.
Amber limbos with ease, despite female protrusions that could have hindered her progress.
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Once in Jamaica, the teams were presented with a Road Block, a challenge which only one team member could complete. One team member had to limbo in a festive manner as low as possible in order to earn an early departure time the next morning.
One would think that men would have an advantage in this competition because the women have -- well, let's just come out and say it -- bosoms, which you'd think could get in the way in a competitive limbo situation. Regardless, Amber and Kelly were able to limbo low enough to earn the earliest departure times.
While Kelly was performing her limbo maneuver, Ron was secretly fantasizing about the various ways he could use the limbo stick to inflict damage upon his teammate.
In the morning, the teams left for the Upper Rio Grand, where they had to choose between riding a raft eight miles, or building their own bamboo raft to cross a river and retrieve a clue from a giant hill.
Each team went with the "build a raft" option, giving Ron a chance to think about various ways he could use a set of raft-building tools to quiet his mouthy teammate.
Rob and Amber are pulled over on suspicion of kidnapping.
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Once the Official Jamaican Bamboo Raft Inspection Crew gave their official "Ya mon!" approval to each craft, teams were able to retrieve their next clue, which led them 80 miles to a plantation on Montego Bay.
While on the trip, Rob and Amber's taxi driver was pulled over for an inspection. Luckily for Rob and Amber, for the first time during the entire race, they didn't have a hostage in their custody. We would suspect that they would still be incarcerated for pulling a stunt like that down there.
Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce got stung with a flat tire, allowing Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber to beat them to the next Pit Stop.
Luckily for Uchenna and Joyce this turned out to be a non-elimination round and they were able to continue through the race, although Phil relieved them of all of their belongings and shaved their heads again for kicks.
The next leg of the race sent teams 25 miles to pick up a bag of onions which they had to chop into a fine grit. While chopping the onions, Ron envisioned ways he could use his big honkin' knife to... well... you know.
For fun, Phil has Uchenna and Joyce's heads shaved again.
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Since Uchenna and Joyce were left with no cash, they headed to the airport where they felt they had the best chance to beg for some money. Some folks eventually handed over some cash when Uchenna threatened to perform his jig and cartwheel routine.
The next Detour offered teams two options... one very bizarre one, and one very dull one. Teams could choose between "Pony Up" and "Tee it up."
We were really hoping that someone would attempt the "Pony Up" challenge, because it was one of the most whacked out things we've ever seen. This challenge offered teams the chance to complete a task that is popular among locals, or at least locals who use a lot of mind-impairing substances.
The challenge involved forcing a horse to swim through the ocean while they had to hold onto its tail, or some such thing. Unfortunately, every team went with the Boring Golf Challenge, which involved smacking an innocent ball onto a designated patch of grass while teams wore comical outfits.
While we were watching this at the Brkich household, Amber's dad, who normally insists on total silence during the shows, yelled at the TV: "Please, God, don't let Rob do the golf challenge!" His worst fears were confirmed as Rob's first shot came much closer to hitting swimming horses than a golf green.
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Amber's dad remembers how well Rob demonstrated his golfing skills while competing on Survivor: All-Stars.
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Next, everyone was sent off 800 miles to San Juan, Puerto Rico where they had to drive another 87 miles to an abandoned sugar factory.
At the airport, Rob and Amber attempted to get on a flight that was minutes away from leaving, but the staff wouldn't allow it. We have to admit we were amused as Rob started grasping for every excuse he could think of, including the fact that his dog ate his tickets.
We were really hoping they'd show more "scenery" from Miami.
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Once at the refinery, one team member had to jump off a bridge, swim to a clue, and take a boat back to shore... drive to the airport, fly to Miami, find a cigar shop, and head to the finish line in Fort Lauderdale.
Rob and Amber managed to get on an early American Airlines flight to Miami, which seemed like it would have given them an almost certain victory without either of the other teams on board.
The plane taxied halfway down the runway, and the pilot mysteriously decided -- why not? -- to head back to pick up Uchenna and Joyce. This act eventually allowed Uchenna and Joyce to win the race, and naturally spawned a flurry of conspiracy theories, suggesting that the flight was somehow rigged so that the final leg would be a dramatic race to the finish.
Emma, Amber's niece, makes a frantic call to CBS to cry foul over the apparent rigging of the game.
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Of course, we're completely convinced that the ending was rigged, prompting us to throw our water cooler at the wall, splattering everyone at the party. It's not like Rob and Amber got any lucky, seemingly-impossible breaks along the race, right? RIGHT? Oh yeah, well... um... maybe they had one or two lucky breaks at some point.
Anyway... it's all over. In all seriousness, we although we were obviously rooting for Rob and Amber, we're happy for Uchenna and Joyce who will now finally be able to afford to have a child, and perhaps have enough left over to buy some hair for both of them.
Once again, we're putting the Official Water Cooler back into storage, wondering whether we'll be digging it out again at some point in the future, perhaps when Rob appears on The Apprentice next season, or during Amber's upcoming stint on Big Brother. (We just love to stick stuff like this in our columns to see if it starts any false, rampant Internet rumors. Feel free to quote us!)
And of course, we offer our congrats to Rob and Amber for getting through the race with mutual respect that prompted a toast to them at tonight's Brkich Bash!
Partygoers offer a toast to Rob & Amber.
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We'd like to say thanks to a few folks as we wrap things up. First, thanks to Amber's sister Nicole and her husband Brad for hosting some fine viewing parties again this year. Thanks to a small yet devout group of Water Cooler Followers at the Joker's Updates web site. It always amuses us to know that someone is reading this crap!
We would like to thank the racers themselves for putting up with us, in the event that they have gotten wind of the nasty remarks we have made about them in these columns. We didn't mean any of that nasty stuff, really, and we would sincerely appreciate it if we could start waking up in the morning without severed animal heads appearing beside us.
And of course, thank you to Rob & Amber for these adventures. We are certainly looking forward to your next Big Shindig... we've heard some rumors about some sort of wedding coming up!
As a PS -- We would like to extend best luck wishes to Ian Rosenberger as the Survivor: Palau finalé approaches! Ian happens to live just down the road from us here at the Water Cooler, and the whole town is pullin' for ya!
Previous Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
