Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Week 7
In our infinite wisdom, we have come up with the perfect, fail safe strategy for the Chapera Tribe to win every challenge. It's so simple we can't believe we hadn't thought of it sooner: Tell Big Tom that the reward includes an open bar. Tell him that, whether it's true or not, and we'd bet one of our favorite goats that Chapera would never lose a challenge ever again.
Tonight, something extremely bizarre happened at the beginning of the show. There was no parental advisory. We considered turning off the TV and stomping out of the room at that point, wondering why we ever would bother watching something so incredibly devoid of nudity and violence, but we stuck around anyway.
Jerri, who is secretly married to Dr. Evil, thinks about her biiiiiilion dollars.
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The episode opened with Jerri, Miss Congeniality, moping around, whining about everything in sight. Perhaps an equally compelling strategy for the Mogo Mogo Tribe would be a reward that included a McDonald's Happy Meal. In order to express her disgust with Jerri's whining, Shii Ann whined about the situation.
Meanwhile, the gang over at Chapera began to sort through their Tree Mail, which included several low-interest credit card offers, an offer for penis enlargement pills and a tempting offer from a friendly, deposed Nigerian leader who wanted to share $10 million USD with them if they'd kindly cash a check for him.
Ethan, knowing he probably won't last to the end, tries to capitalize on his Survivor: All Star appearance by auditioning for a role in Mel Gibson's next movie.
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The mail also included details of the next challenge, which was a combination Reward and Immunity Challenge. The tribes began the contest on a floating platform, where each individual member had to swim out to retrieve a floating puzzle piece. Once they collected all of the pieces, they were instructed to assemble them into a really crappy boat.
After all, exactly how seaworthy would you expect a puzzle to be? Next week we half expect to hear Jeff tell the tribes, "You have five minutes to construct a fully-functional helicopter using nothing but this vat of coleslaw."
Anyway, once they assembled their boats, they were told to paddle to shore and send a member into the jungle to thwack a rope that released a flag, and then retrieve a set of oars. Once back at the beach, the tribes raced their Puzzle Crafts back to the platforms.
Jenna, who ain't exactly Miss Manners, proudly displays her dinner.
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The reward was indeed an inspirational open bar with a barbecue, which was to be held on a very fancy yacht which, coincidentally, was constructed of really expensive puzzle pieces. As a twist, the winning tribe was allowed to invite a member of the opposing tribe to join them in the barbecue, and that person would also have immunity at the next Tribal Council.
Despite an early Mogo Mogo lead, the Chapera gang paddled their way to victory. It was quite likely the absolute best Puzzle Boat Race we have ever personally witnessed.
Kathy was chosen to be the token Mogo Mogoan to join Chapera for the boat ride, which didn't sit well with her at first. She explained that she was concerned about how this would look to the rest of her tribe, yadda yadda. Once she stepped on the yacht, however, she immediately began kissing the feet of each of the Chaperans to thank them for the experience.
Alicia realizes she shouldn't have had quite that many nachos at the buffet table.
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And what an experience it was! As soon as the Chaperans saw the food, there must have been some concern that there was a very strict time limit for eating it. Some of the tribe members dove into straight into the Hors d'ouvres, head first. Jenna Lewis had to be pulled out by her feet. Amber admitted she didn't even bother with a plate; she just began stuffing food into her mouth, which may explain why she is now missing several fingers. Rupert managed to conceal three full meals into his beard for future use.
Big Tom, who is basically a walking Ho-Down with ears, initiated his trademark Whacky Hick Dance. He also coined a new song, which attempted to rhyme "Kath" (as in "Kathy") with the word "that." The song went precisely as follows:
(Sung with a drunken slur)
La la laaa laaa laaaaa laaa laa!
We got a new girl whose name is Kath;
She fits in just like that!
Doo da doo da doo da day!
The scary thing is that when they sang it, the words almost did seem to rhyme somehow.
Once they were all liquored up, the Chapera gang was treated to more food and a scenic waterfall. They also enjoyed a game of golf that involved attempting to hit a golf ball into the ocean from a distance of, perhaps, two feet.
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Boston Rob demonstrates his golf prowess and teaches everyone else the basics: First, squarely line up your shoulders and carefully swing; second, follow through by landing flat on your ass.
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Boston Rob was wildly successful at the game, not only managing to send balls into the ocean, but he also set a maritime record for longest accidental toss of a golf club. We like to imagine that the club managed to strike Richard Hatch, as he was still lurking off the shore in an attempt to startle stingrays with his nudity.
While the Chaperans were enjoying their wine-fest, the Mogo Mogoans continued their whine-fest. The group debated whether they should send Jerri home since she was a miserable psycho woman, or if they should send Colby packing because they all knew he could kick their butts in any kind of game.
In the end, Captain America was sent back to his homeland where he undoubtedly made use of some Industrial-Strength Gillette Razors to prune his shaggy face.
Next week, it looks like we'll be seeing more of Rob & Amber's *wink* *wink* "alliance" as their relationship continues to grow. Watch out for the parental advisory!
Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
