Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
The Finalé
WAY TO GO AMBER!!!
WOW! What a night, eh!? Amber is a cool million dollars richer, and she is suddenly engaged! If her life continues at this pace, she'll have a child by Thursday, a very fulfilling career over the weekend, and she'll be retired by Monday. Phew!
We have just returned from our whirlwind adventure in New York City, and we're running on about one hour of sleep in the past 30 hours, so hopefully we'll be able to write this without too many hallucinations.
We hopped into the Water Coolermobile early Sunday morning, and ventured off to The Big Apple, which happens to be located nowhere near our Pittsburgh estate, to attend the festivities at Madison Square Garden.
In typical New York style, this didn't seem to surprise anyone.
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We knew we were getting close to the venue when we encountered a very nearly naked person wielding a guitar in the middle of Manhattan. Surprisingly, this person wasn't Richard Hatch, but nonetheless we could tell we were getting close.
We arrived at the theater with several of Amber's friends, and we were seated in a row in front of Rupert's tie-died family, as well as Rudy's wife, Marge. After just a few short hours of watching a bunch of technician guys run around on the stage with wires and whatnot, the finalé began!
The show started with a rather thorough recap of everything that has ever happened since the Earth cooled, back when the dinosaurs were voted off the planet. Finally, we got to the part where the Final 4 -- Amber, Rob, Rupert and Jenna -- began to battle it out for the Sole Survivorhood.
As you can imagine, Richard Hatch aspires to be a Water Cooler Guy.
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Early on, Jeff Probst floated in aboard the Sue Hawk Memorial Boat to deliver a tasty breakfast, and scrapbooking materials. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the breakfast, and they had a great time creating a scrapbook they could later sell for big bucks on eBay.
Jenna Lewis became concerned about the Purple Rock Syndrome (much like we're concerned about hallucinations as the result of sleep deprivation). Jenna realized that at the next vote, she could either vote Rupert out of the game along with votes from Amber and Rob, or she could band with Rupert and vote for Rob, creating a tie.
The tie would then be broken by choosing colored rocks out of a bag, and then beating the hell out of the opponent with them. At least that's how we would love to see it settled.
Amber wears the first of two major pieces of jewelry she earned during the evening!
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The night's first Immunity Challenge involved a giant maze that was infested with a variety of obstacles. Several rungs of a ladder were hidden within the maze; each Survivor had to gather all of the rungs to build a ladder, after which they would climb to the top and let out a giant sigh of relief.
Well, for the first time in her Survivor career, Amber earned an individual Immunity, giving her the first chance to wear a piece of new jewelry during the telecast (a much fancier piece of jewelry came later in the night).
As Amber earned Immunity, guaranteeing her a spot in the Final 3, our row of Amber-supporters let out a giant and boisterous cheer, at least until we remembered that Rupert's family was sitting right behind us where they could easily thwack us over the head if they wanted to.
Rupert's brother and his mother... great people, although we worried that they could easily thwack us from behind if they wanted to.
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Back at camp, Jenna went back & forth, thinking about whether she was going to zap Rupert, or go with the Purple Rock Method. Jenna's decision-making process prompted a Homer Simpson-like reaction from Rupert's gang as she waffled back & forth ("Woo hoo! D'oh! Woo hoo! Doh! Woo hoo!")
In the end, the reaction was a big "D'oh!" from the row behind us, as Jenna decided to strategically pick off Rupert.
Once the remaining three Survivors headed back to camp, Jeff Probst materialized out of the darkness to provide the gang with a canoe and map that would lead them to a supply of face paint and some jewelry they could use to make themselves look ridiculous.
Boston Rob gets painted in ancient markings, which naturally included an ancient Boston Red Sox hat.
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Jeff explained that a fierce, ancient tribe of inhabitants used to conduct a similar ritual to commemorate fallen members of their own Reality TV shows.
Ever notice that this particular ritual is carried out no matter where the series is filmed? Are we really to believe that all over the world, people dress up in whacky garb to honor their fallen friends? We are pretty certain that Jeff does this as some sort of a prank.
Amber, Rob and Jenna marched past the torches of all of their fallen comrades, pausing long enough to look very weepy at each one, which probably required a good bit of restraint at some of them.
Jenna moves The Foot of Doom.
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Soon enough, it was time for the Very Last Immunity Challenge. The challenge was reminiscent of the final Immunity Challenge in Borneo. The Final 3 had to stand on a perch while hanging on to the Immunity Idol.
After a little over two hours, Jenna eventually moved one of her feet just enough to knock her out of the challenge. Amber & Rob decided they were having so much fun that they should continue the game an extra hour or so just for bragging rights.
We picture this incident coming up in an argument during their marriage somewhere down the line. You married folks know how these fights start. Someone leaves a toilet lid up, or loses a sock, or goes to New York City to see a TV finalé on Mother's Day.
Then an argument breaks out about that topic, but before you know it, it splinters off into little sub-arguments about completely unrelated issues. We'll be willing to bet that this Immunity Challenge will eventually enter into one of those spats ("Oh YEAH? I may have set the house on fire, but at least I didn't goof up the last Immunity Challenge!")
Jeff Probst flies 2,500 miles outside the helicopter.
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After winning Immunity, Rob spent some time in Deep Thought, considering whether he was going to bring Amber along to the Final 2 as he had promised, or, what the heck, bring Jenna along. Rob spent a few valuable seconds thinking about the ramifications, and of course brought Amber into the Final 2.
Over the course of the next hour, Amber & Rob had the opportunity to explain to the jury why they deserved to win the $1 million prize, while the jury had the opportunity to explain to them why they were both slime-eating toads.
Once the votes were cast, Jeff Probst climbed aboard the Mike Skupin Memorial Helicopter to make the long trip to New York City. Unfortunately, the helicopter was already full, so Jeff was forced to ride physically outside the chopper for the duration of the 2,500-mile trip.
Rob pops The Question.
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Upon Jeff's arrival, Rob decided to strengthen his "alliance" with Amber just a little bit more before in the form of a gigantic engagement ring that has apparently kept the Diamond Mine Employees working overtime for several months. Rob explained that he assessed the situation with both his parents, and Amber's parents before popping The Question.
Amber quickly agreed to the proposal, instantly making Rob one of the luckiest guys in the world, million bucks or not. In fact, many people in the audience started to shuffle toward the exits, figuring that the actual vote was rather irrelevant at this point. No matter what was going to happen with the vote, a very elaborate, fancy wedding would be in the works soon!
A Water Cooler Guy gets his 15 nanoseconds of fame, as he wears the "PG" rating on his forehead.
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Once things settled down, Jeff counted the votes, and as you're well aware, the winner in this close race was: Al Gore. Whoops! Halicination, again. Of course it was Amber who earned the cool $1 million check, most of which will probably go to party favors for The Big Event, whenever it might be!
The Reunion Show revealed several fractured relationships, and attempts to mend them. And we had a chance to see a Brand New Susan Hawk, who had been assembled with spare parts over the past several months. Sue revealed a new pair of breasts, chin, tummy, and some impressive bionics.
As the Reunion Show wrapped up, Jeff Probst finally announced the final Big Twist of the evening. Each of the All-Stars would have an opportunity to sing an Elton John song live on television this week, giving them an opportunity to win another million dollars! Wait, maybe we're getting confused with another show.
Actually, between the finalé and this coming Thursday, everyone is encouraged to send a text message to the show to cast a vote for their favorite All-Star, who will walk away with the extra million. We're obviously pleading with you to vote for Amber, as she will not only be needing a lot of party favors, but, knowing her and her family, she'll be wanting to hire a top-notch karaoke service at the wedding!
Boston Rob hangs out with some of his future family members after Sunday's finalé.
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Welp, as we wrap up another fine season of Water Cooler Gibberish, we have several people we would like to thank. First and foremost, we would like to extend our thanks to Amber, for making this such a memorable experience.
The Water Cooler Gang, and the Extended Water Cooler Family thinks extremely highly of you, and we are all thrilled that you have won the top award during this amazing season! We appreciate and value your friendship, and we're grateful for the unique opportunity to share some of these incredible experiences with you!
We wish to thank Amber's sister, Nicole Pavelek, and her husband Brad, for hosting the amazing weekly Survivor parties! Of course, we're now very jealous of the giant TV, and we'll have to begin some high-pitched whining to acquire one for the Water Cooler room...
We would also like to extend our thanks to the rest of the Brkich gang, Cheryl and Val, Val, Jr. and Cassie, and the scores of other people who have been gathering every week to root for Amber. This has really been a tremendously fun season, and we wish you all the very best!
Last but not least, we appreciate the kind notes from those of you who actually read this stuff. We have spent many late, late nights hustling home from the parties to whip up our own, odd brand of humor, and it is rewarding to know that we have caused a chuckle here or there.
Will the Water Cooler be stowed away for good? Who knows. We have stuck it into storage before, only to dust it off for one reason or another. In any case, thanks again, and best wishes to both Amber and Jenna M. in their post-Survivor experiences... and many kudos to Boston Rob for making a mighty fine choice of women!
Insightful Commentaries:
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Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
