Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Week 13
Well, we made a few negative remarks about Shii Ann last week in this column, which prompted some people to send us some rather snippy e-mails. This was surprising to us for a couple reasons. First, we had no idea that Shii Ann had such support out there in cyberspace. And secondly, we had no idea anyone was reading this crap! We really thought we were doing this for our own amusement.
Anyway, we would like to offer our most sincere of apologies to anyone we may have offended by suggesting that Shii Ann is anything less than a brilliant goddess. We are now erecting a statue in her honor, which will be placed right next to the Water Cooler so we can admire it on a regular basis.
We're quite sorry for any mental stress, psychotherapy, or any other ill effects our comments may have caused. But she is still really annoying. But now she's gone, and we'll miss her dearly.
We're using this photo as a model for a statue of Shii Ann we're creating.
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Tonight's show began with Shii Ann feeling isolated because she has annoyed everyone to the point that the whole tribe has been trying to call Dr. Kevorkian on their coconut phones. Oops! There we go again! We meant to say that she annoyed everyone in the most charming of ways.
Practically everyone was getting a little annoyed with one another after a while. Rupert decided that since he was catching all the fish, he should eat all of the fish. Rupert's fish incident sparked a bickering battle that clearly displayed that they were all losing valuable brain cells in the heat of the sun.
Thankfully, the group's spirits were about to be lifted thanks to the arrival of Tree Mail and the arrival of some folks from back home. The Reward Challenge gave everyone a chance to see one of their loved ones. Amber was reunited with her mom, Cheryl, who is better known to her close friends as "Amber's Mom."
Amber's mom, Cheryl, had been hiding in the woods for several weeks before they finally allowed her to reunite with Amber.
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Boston Rob's brother Mike made the trip; Shii Ann's was joined by her mom, Lilly; Jenna's brother John stopped in. Rupert was joined by his wife, Laura, and he attempted to get it on with her on the spot. Granted, he made similar advances toward his fishing spear later, but that's another story. Jeff Probst eventually had to resort to using an industrial strength crow bar to separate the two.
And of course Big Tom's son, Mini-Me, joined the group, and we can safely say that the acorn did not fall far from the tree in this family.
The family members were the ones who competed for the reward: a night of heavy drinking with their loved ones on the island. Each relative was given a Disgusting Food Item to eat, and one person would be eliminated with each round.
Rupert had to be surgically removed from his wife prior to the challenge.
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Some may say, by definition, that Amber's mom lost the competition since she was the last person to swallow a Horrendous Fish Head in the first round of the contest, but we would have to say she was clearly the winner on this one.
Think about it. The "reward" was an opportunity to spend a night with a bunch of people who haven't showered in ages, people who ultimately made the "winners" work at the camp like slave laborers.
The "losers" may not have had an opportunity to spend time with their aromatic loved ones, but they undoubtedly got to spend the night in a comfy bed at the Jeff Probst Luxury Suites, or whatever his personal palace is called. Hmmmm... who really "won" this reward? Our hats are off to Cheryl!
Cheryl loses, or wins, depending on how you look at it.
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By the show's definition, Mini-Me was the winner, after a near fist fight between Jeff Probst and Jenna's brother, who attempted to circumvent the rules a little bit by chugging down some water between bites.
Big Tom had the opportunity to spend the night with his son, and Tom was able to choose Boston Rob and his brother to share the experience.
You may remember that in the last episode Rupert drank every drop of beer in the entire country, causing the Great Panamanian Beer Crisis. Well, apparently the crew managed to smuggle some more beer in from a neighboring country for a night of serious imbibing for Big Tom and the gang. Needless to say, there was a rather serious ho-down.
All the while, we assume that Cheryl was enjoying luxurious accommodations, complete with cable TV.
Big Tom went into full Whacky Hick Dance Mode after winning Immunity.
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The next morning, Rob, Mike, Tom and Mini-Me came back to camp where the rest of the tribe immediately put them to work, gathering wood for their fire. We would have to assume that since the Survivors' relatives hunted for firewood, you could call that wood "kindling?" Ha ha ha *cough*... *cough*... *cough*.
Once Mike and Mini-Me were evacuated from the island on the Susan Hawk Memorial Boat, it was time for the Immunity Challenge, which involved a bunch of buckets, fire and some fancy pyrotechnics. To make a long story short, Big Tom won the Lovely Immunity Necklace, sparing him from votes at Tribal Council. However, his victory resulted in yet another whacky hick dance to the dismay of the rest of the gang.
At Tribal Council, Shii Ann made a desperate attempt to befriend everyone by telling everyone how much she truly admires each and every one of them, and that she really feels a strong bond with these five people.
Jenna attempts to listen in on conversations by disguising herself as a giant Panamanian frog.
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Ok, that may be a bit of a stretch. In reality, Shii Ann slammed virtually everyone in a long, blithering speech that eventually put Jeff Probst into a deep sleep, or quite possibly a coma. When he woke up, Jeff asked her if she was done blithering, or if he should nod back off again.
Several hours later, everyone voted Shii Ann off the island, which of course came as horrendously devastating news to us here at the Water Cooler. We will, however, tip our hats to Shii Ann for recognizing during her speech that Amber is indeed the Mastermind of the Operation.
Amber has officially surpassed her progress from her time in Australia; she is now in the Top 5 (she made it to 6th place Down Under). Way to go!!
If you really have strong pro-Shii Ann feelings that you wish to express to us, feel free to exercise your constitutional rights by filling out our Contact Form. We'll respond by excercising our "delete" buttons.
Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
