Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Week 12
As you're undoubtedly aware, this is "TV Turnoff Week," as declared by the National Association of People With Really Boring Lives. We had certainly planned on partaking in this annual tradition, but we were left wondering just how we would fulfill our obligations to both of the people who read these columns of ours on a regular basis.
We considered keeping the TV off, but leaving the sound on. We thought about having someone watch it in another room while shouting the various plot twists to us. We considered using some form of telepathy to receive the TV signals through our brains, or possibly through some kind of antenna hooked up to the fillings in our teeth.
Alicia takes great interest in Shii Ann's ramblings.
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After much debate and struggle with this moral dilemma, we finally said the hell with it and decided to watch the show. We hope you won't judge us too harshly for making this difficult decision. So, for the benefit of those of you who spent the evening knitting, or vandalizing mailboxes, or whatever people do when they're not watching TV, here's our recap of tonight's show.
We began the episode with -- surprise, surprise -- whining. It seems like every time a whiner gets booted off the show, someone new decides to pick up the slack in that department. When Jerri was kicked off, Kathy began some major whining.
Now that Kathy is gone, it's up to Shii Ann to move into full-throttle whining mode. Shii Ann must have mistaken "TV Turnoff Week" for "Whine Yourself into Oblivion Week."
Big Tom gets his actual head stuck in one of the Spooky Heads, causing some tense moments.
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Shii Ann just couldn't seem to understand why she hasn't had any friends out there. Shii Ann, if you're reading this, please hold your head nice and close to the computer for this special message: IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING.
Phew. We feel much better now.
Meanwhile, everyone else at camp set a goal for themselves: don't let Shii Ann get immunity. Should be easy enough, right?
Tree Mail quickly arrived, along with a giant Spooky Head, signaling the coming of a Reward Challenge. Once everyone arrived at the challenge, they found that everyone had their very own Spooky Head made in their likeness.
Shii Ann's Spooky Head was the only one that came complete with whining sound effects.
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The only one that really looked like one of the castaways was Rupert; his Spooky Head was simply a small piece of pottery covered by a huge amount of hair. We kinda wish Lex had still been playing for this challenge; we would have enjoyed seeing a Spooky Head with tattoos and a mohawk.
Before the challenge began, each Survivor had to answer some questions, each of which would be answered with the name of one of their fellow castaways. Then Jeff Probst asked everyone the same questions, and everyone had to guess which person's name was given most often as an answer.
Amber bids farewell to her Spooky Head.
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The first question asked, "Who would you trust with your life?" Everyone who answered "Boston Rob" had a chance to chop a string attached to a pole that would smash someone's Spooky Head after three whacks.
The second question was, "Which Survivor has the most obnoxious voice and will eventually prompt the Water Cooler guys to gradually go insane?" Of course, this would be Shii Ann.
Amber was chosen as the person most likely to use sex appeal as a weapon. We personally would have voted for Big Tom, but what do we know.
Shii Ann enjoys her tasty rice.
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Alicia was picked as the person least deserving to be an All-Star, and she was chosen as the person who was under the false impression that she was smart. Guess who gave Shii Ann a run for her money in the whining department for the rest of the episode?
Rupert edged out Amber for the reward, which was a Highly Awkward Dinner Reward. Everyone was whisked off to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Hopefully the rest of the restaurant's patrons were seated upwind of this highly aromatic group of diners.
Rupert's bartender wore a hole in the floor while making 387 trips for beer.
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Since Rupert won the challenge, it was his job to decide who got to eat what entrees at dinner. Of course this put him in a highly awkward position, basically forcing him to show everyone where they stood with him. The best meal included steak and shrimp, and he would have to choose who would get the least desirable meal of cold rice and water.
Rupert decided that he would really enjoy the steak, and that Shii Ann would really enjoy the cold rice. Everyone else got a variety of delicacies, including a sandwich, potatoes, a hotdog, and a variety of meals made from tap water.
Well, naturally Shii Ann's meal of rice prompted an unprecedented flurry of whining, even by her standards. Rupert, understandably, began ordering a couple beers to take the edge off. Once the edge was off, Rupert continued ordering beers. Rupert continued ordering beers until the Panamanian Beer Association was forced to divert several tanker ships to deliver more barley and hops to the small nation.
Jenna hopes that maybe the winner of the challenge will also win a razor.
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After the meal, everyone headed back to camp by boat, except for Rupert, who was delivered via medical helicopter.
Everyone spent some time strategizing back at camp, and soon enough it was time for the Immunity Challenge. The challenge was called, "See How Long You Can Look at Some Really Hairy Female Armpits." Or at least that's what we assume it was called.
The challenge was a test of willpower. Everyone had an arm attached to a chain, which was attached to a big honkin' tub of water that hung precariously above their heads. As everybody's arms got tired, they'd dump the vat of water onto themselves, thereby eliminating themselves from the game.
Jeff Probst learns a valuable lesson: If Big Tom says he has to sneeze, get the heck out of the way.
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Rob, aka "Captain Immunity," managed to lose thanks to a fly that wouldn't leave him alone. But since even the flies didn't want to hang around with Shii Ann, she eventually won the Immunity Necklace for the night, prompting some changes to the voting strategy.
Shii Ann, being a gracious winner, gave a very humble acceptance speech: "Yes! Yes! Yeeeeesssss! In your face, suckers! Take that you idiots! Woooooooooo! I am the Lizard Queen!" Everyone was visibly moved by her overwhelming modesty.
Well, Tribal Council rolled around, and for whatever reason, nobody seems to have quite noticed that Rob and Amber have been completely controlling the game so far. So everyone agreed to thwack Alicia, sending her onto the jury with Lex and Kathy.
Now that the show is over, we can safely resume "TV Turnoff Week." At least until Wheel of Fortune comes on.
Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
