Water Cooler Talk from Two Guys Who Look Alarmingly Similar
Week 1
Fourteen minutes. That's right -- it took only 14 minutes for Richard Hatch to expose his extreme nakedness for Survivor: All-Stars. We'll dwell on this unfortunate statistic a bit more in just a bit.
We figure that first, we ought to re-introduce ourselves here as we begin a new season of wildly entertaining, juvenile commentaries. We are Pittsburghers, here for the sole purpose of rooting for our hometown Survivor All-Star babes, Amber Brkich and Jenna Morasca. Only this time around, we have twice the fire power since our commentaries will be posted every week on both girls' sites!
We are thrilled to see both Amber and Jenna appearing in this series, and we're hoping that one of them might bring home another $1 million!
The Panama military, which apparently has a lot of free time, concentrates its full efforts on guiding the Survivors to their camps.
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Survivor: All-Stars, set again in the Pearl Islands, began under extremely heavy security, as though Osama bin Laden might be vacationing there or something. Each of the three tribes had their own Super Boat, and were escorted under the cover of large, scary helicopters. One helicopter contained the heavily-armed Jeff Probst, who allegedly began firing missiles at palm trees just for the hell of it.
As the three tribes emerged onto the island, we learned that some things have remained the same over the course of time. Rudy is still old. Alicia still has a chip on her shoulder. We still can't understand a word that Big Tom says; we had hoped that maybe they'd put up subtitles when Tom spoke, but apparently even the subtitle people had no idea what he was saying.
We found out that Lex still has a heck of a collection of tattoos, and Sue still looks stunning in a bikini. We were stunned to the point where we had to turn our heads several times.
Jerri, wearing the same bikini she wore in Australia, swears to shut up as a strategy.
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And, of course, there's Richard Hatch. We're already wondering what exactly his reasoning was for wanting to be on the All-Star cast. Surely he has plenty of money nowadays -- he certainly hasn't been spending it on clothes. Apparently he just wanted a free vacation, and figured that the Pearl Islands had one of the best nude beaches around.
Upon arriving, the tribes began to follow a map to locate their water supplies. Everyone on the Chapera Tribe followed Big Tom after he determined which way was north. At least everyone thought he said, "This way is North," but with Tom, he could have been saying anything.
Jerri, a member of the Saboga Tribe, noted that her new strategy included "keeping my mouth shut." Woo hoo! Score one for the viewers!
Sue drinks the Water of Doom.
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Once the tribes found their water source, they learned that the water was really disgusting, filthy, and teeming with parasites and disease. Only a complete idiot would choose to drink it. So Sue decided to chug some of it down. After all, they had been on the island for nearly an hour, and she was getting dangerously dehydrated. Sue noted that her diet normally consists of beaver poop, so what the heck.
Armed with only a machete and a cooking pot, all three tribes began their attempts at starting a fire. No one thought to simply grab one of the blazing palm trees that Jeff Probst had shot from his helicopter, so they all reverted to various forms of rubbing sticks together and swearing.
The people in charge of blurring Rich's privates earned their money this week.
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All three tribes had hoped to get fire so they could boil and drink the disgusting water. They would have been much farther ahead if they had simply collected the sweat that was dripping from Rupert as they would have had a plentiful supply of liquids.
Some alliances already began to form right off the bat. Rudy approached Rupert to see if he'd be interested in an alliance. Not in a homosexual way, of course.
Boston Rob also approached our own Amber to see if they could be an alliance. Rob was pretty clear about why he wanted to be in an alliance with Amber: She's hot. And we can't fault that thinking at all. Who would you choose? A Magic 8 ball-shaking freak like Rob C.? Tom, who you can't even understand? Sue, who you don't want to look at without proper eye protection? Alicia, who is already eager to tear Boston Rob's eyeballs out? He made a very fine choice.
Boston Rob is clearly enjoying every minute of his All-Star adventure.
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Did we mention that Rich spent an unusual amount of time naked on this opening episode? And it's not like he has exactly been working out to get his body in tip-top shape for this competition, either, by the looks of things. It looks like he's storing a truck load of asphalt in his butt in case they need to make a driveway or something. Yeesh.
The first Immunity Challenge was a challenge similar to the very first-ever challenge on Survivor I. The tribes had to swim out to retrieve some flames, swim the fire back to shore and through some obstacles. Amber's gang at Chapera made the best time, sparing them from the Dreaded Tribal Council, as Jenna's Mogo Mogoans came in second.
The Saboga tribe was sent to Tribal Council, where they dropped the axe on Tina. And since Tina was responsible for Amber's ultimate demise in Australia, we just didn't feel too bad about the whole thing.
Well, as we speak, it is 1:30 a.m. on Monday, February 2nd, which means it's Groundhog Day! In addition to producing these two fine sites, we also happen to be Punxsutawney Phil's official webmaster. So we're off to Gobbler's Knob to see whether there will be six more weeks of Richard Hatch naked, or whatever. In case you're interested, visit Groundhog.org to see our Adventures in Punxsutawney!
Insightful Commentaries:
The Amazing Race
Survivor: All-Stars
Survivor: Australia
